Animal Crossing: New Horizons – Video Game Review

Is Animal Crossing: New Horizons Good?

No. Animal Crossing New Horizon is not good. This isn’t a misleading trick either, no it’s not great. It’s horrible and I feel like I missed the crazy pill that an entire generation was choked down behind my back. Animal Crossing New Horizon is a boring game, one of my biggest lifelong letdowns, and no one will listen.

What does it do well?

They added terraforming and clothes.

Why does it do poorly?

When Animal Crossing came out for GameCube back in 2001 I excitedly begged for and got it for Christmas. I loved waiting for holidays to see what this new and exciting game brought every month, I loved the rush of coming home from school to see who moved in, attending KK slider concerts on Friday? nights and making requests, collecting new gyroids (RIP), setting fun nicknames with the townsfolk.

It’s a Life Simulation game, on a quiet peaceful island where a kid like me could own his own house. We even used the Gameboy Advance Link Cable to go to the island before it was cool. When I bought New Leaf, Tortimere and I were finally and beautifully reunited. New leaf introduced me to diving, golden beetle hunting, and easy access to an island paradise 365 days a year. New Leaf could fit in your pocket, easily allowing you to unfold and escape into your own quiet paradise.

But…New Horizon? I’m sorry to tell you Animal Crossing fans but you are objectively wrong. The AI hasn’t noticeably changed in 19 years! NINETEEN!! What the hell is that!? Could you imagine any other major company (besides Nintendo) giving you a 19 year game and then people eating it up?! CRAZY PILLS!

Don’t even get me started on the Mario 3D All Stars re-release of 3 old games in one. Should be a bargain bin purchase not a full price game… “BUT GARY THEY ADDED” Shut up, I know what they added. I played the damn thing. They added new custom clothes and TERRAFORMING!? WOW! It’s an ugly, blocky, prefab, grid based “terraforming”. It doesn’t push the envelope, you can only build a block hill, river, or a ramp. It’s decades behind Minecraft and Minecraft is Doom. Doom. It’s decades behind the Sims and Sim City, but it’s from the same era! BIG WHOOP ON THAT TERRAFORMING TEAM!

Animal Crossing New Horizons
Photo courtesy of Nintendo

If you want to travel to another person’s island from the airport, you have to go to the town center to buy a plane ticket… What is that!? You’ll run around from building to building somehow needing to load each one, how this isn’t a seamless entry after 20 years is beyond me. You’ll get screwed by the in-game clock and day night cycle because you had real life obligations, unless you don’t have real life obligations because this game is for babies. You feel inclined to step away from real holidays with real humans so you play and get your rewards before the events end or worse- you might end up playing as a scum of the earth time bandit- I’m looking at you Zach.

After 20 years…

The townsfolk still say the same type of meaningless banter they always have, and I can’t even beat them mercilessly with a net for it anymore. They still never feel alive for even a moment, and after 20 years there is no real relationship growth, like or dislike or mechanic. The townsfolk still just hand you random outfits they found in the trash or on the beach and tell you it’s your style. Your style is trash. How do you like it? Talking to Blathers is still almost physically painful as it was the first time and after 20 years none of his turn in processes have been streamlined. The fishing and bug catching still haven’t been made to be even 1% more fun or more interactive in any way. While I’m here, HEY NINTENDO we need damage bars for our tools you dillweeds!

Photo courtesy of Nintendo

Animal Crossing New Horizon is far more a test of patience than it will ever be “fun”. Animal Crossing New Horizon is a waste of your money unless you’re a child or a first time player. I feel scammed for having bought this game but I also feel like all my friends are in on the scam. Is it ok to hate Animal Crossing? Yes it’s ok to hate Animal Crossing. In fact, I prefer that you hate it. It’s okay to admit that our game sucks now, and nostalgia shouldn’t guilt you into buying this product. It’s not your fault Animal Crossing is trash. RIP Gyroids.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons Video Game Review
Photo courtesy of Nintendo

Catch me streaming most nights from 8:30pm on Twitch and Twitter.

Check out more video games on Nerdtropolis.

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